win-win parenting

i bet someone else has already coined the term "win-win" parenting. if not, maybe i'll get dibs on it :) there's lots of training out there on how to view relationships in business in a win-win way. win-win refers to working at a business deal, conflict, etc. until there both parties "win". in relationships, this might be called finding a resolution where both parties are have their needs and concerns met. i'm probably not defining this accurately, but you get the idea.

i wonder how this would apply to parenting.

we just listened to a presentation from the Love and Logic guys on the three parenting styles and what each style really teaches kids. it was good. i liked most of it except the apparent win-lose attitude. it seems to me that most people see the kids as the enemy to be defeated. kids are born with a mission to control the parents. the parents' goal is to win at all costs. that means that the kids lose.

i wonder if there's a different attitude to have?

the other night made this crystal clear in my head. night times are a constant "battle" :). you can't read a parenting book that doesn't address bedtime and sleep. kids just aren't designed to sleep the way that we have them sleep. we've been trying different things.

caleb is turning four in four months. we have a good night time routine. but it just wasn't (and still isn't) working. caleb comes out of his room or calls for us eight, nine, ten or more times in the hour to an hour and a half it takes for him to fall asleep! :)

i went into his room at one point the other night and he was just falling apart. i just didn't get it, so i asked him "why do you call mommy and daddy so much." he said, "because i'm scared when you're not in the room."

"ah, the 'i'm scared' tactic," one voice in my head said. "you just want to make my life miserable like you have since you were born. i'm not falling for that one. i'm going to win!"

another voice chimed in. "why is he scared?" so i ask him, "caleb, why are you scared when we're not in the room."

"i don't know," he moaned genuinely, "i just am." i wonder if win-win would work. "hmmm, "i say, "mommy and daddy like to have some time together or some alone time at night. and you are scared when we're not in the room. can we figure out a way to help everyone." he looked at me in an involved way. "do you have any ideas of what we could do to help you not be scared and at the same time have alone time for us." he looked at me despairingly, "nooooo."

then caleb turned his face from out of the pillow and asked, "do you have any ideas?" now i'm melting because i'm having a helpful conversation with my three you old and he's actively involved in problem solving (which is of course one of my loves. :)

"hmmmmm...." i said, "not yet. hmmmm...." i paused thinking. then i said "what if we put the baby praise cd on in your room at night" would that help you not feel scared? caleb lit up, "yeah!"

i went downstairs and got the cd player and cd, turned it on and he was asleep without calling us in fifteen minutes. (now it hasn't gone that well each night, but it definitely has helped!)

i wonder if too often we assume our kids are out to win, when they are just trying to have their needs met....real needs, not just made up ones.

i like this perspective a lot better than win-lose. let's see if i can keep it up :)